5 Myths, 2 Truths and a Rant about being a Freelancer

THE MYTHS

Myth 1: It’s like a job minus the politics and the obligation to go to office everyday

Fact 1: It’s not like a job, it’s way more. And going to the office everyday is the least of all the obligations that a freelancer is freed from. A nice, steady, monthly salary is at the top of the list, closely followed by a fancy title that gives social credence, free gifts during Diwali and the arrogance to want to board a plane even after check in counters close.

Myth 2: A freelancer gets compensated for all his effort, unlike in a job where you slog like a donkey and get paid peanuts

Fact 2: Just like a full time job, freelancing is about your ability to negotiate good pay, strong communication skills to set the terms with a client, and clarity of thought on the kind of work to take on. Every new client is like a new job, complete with acing the interview, negotiating the salary and proving yourself as of yesterday.

Myth 3: Freelancing is a good career choice for mothers, housewives and basically all women

Fact 3: I had the privilege to work with a freelancer who was a guy and was very good at what he was doing. With a combination of shrewd networking, gold class full time experience, and a strong set of working rules, he was working whenever he wanted to while earning 3x his last salary. It is lifestyle choice.

Myth 4: The perfect example of work-life balance is a freelancer

Fact 4: A fundamental problem with this statement is that it assumes that a sense of internal balance can be obtained from outside forces. I rest my case. 

Myth 5: It’s for those who can’t hold down a full time job

Fact 5: Whatever the reason for this idiotic opinion to hold fort, it is not true. That’s it.

THE TRUTHS

Truth 1: It doesn’t pay as much as a full time job

Hallelujah! Finally someone got something right, although this statement is a half truth. Freelancing can, over time, yield more money than a full time job, but not over a steady period like a monthly salary. There will be strong times and lean times and tiding the latter is the key to making it work and staying sane. 

Truth 2: We are moving towards a Freelancer economy

I feel that today people are more open to hiring a freelancer to do a job than, say, 10 years ago. This is partly because of the maturity of the Indian industry and partly because of the kind of freelancers now available. They are no longer limited to coders, desginers of websites and photographers. It is now possible to run an entire company only with freelancers, or entire departments, at the very least. 

FINALLY, THE RANT

It has been more than 2 years since I started out on my own, taking on part time work or consulting projects of limited duration. During that time I also got my health back on track, had a baby, moved into a new home, furnished it and learnt how to make a crisp dosa and finger licking French Toast. 

No, I didn’t do it because i got fired from my job. 

I didn’t do it because i couldn’t find another one after I quit; I just didn’t want to. There is a lot of difference. 

I did it because I wanted to make a conscious lifestyle change. 

I did it because I truly believed that I would be better off on my own than in an office reporting to someone. 

I am tired of explaining to people that I am not freelancing to spend more time with my baby. In fact, freelancing makes balancing my life tougher because of the unpredictability of the work. I am not “lucky to get time with the baby” because i am freelancing. I make time. I can just as easily un-make it, and that would probably reflect in an inbox overflowing with projects. Nothing in my life “just happened”. They were all choices, and if I didn’t make them consciously earlier, I am very aware of them now. 

Freelancing is NOT a euphemism for being a homemaker / full time mom. Having had to don this mantle for a couple of months when I didn’t have help with my baby, I have complete respect for anyone, man or woman, whose full time job is to manage the house and/or raise the children. It is, in my opinion, equivalent to 2 or 3 demanding full time jobs, and I have held a few of those in my short working life. 

Next time someone tells you that they are a freelancer, or consulting, or a single person company, nod thoughtfully and ask them what kind of work they have been doing, and what they like best about being on their own. They are trying to make it work on their own in a world that is pretty set in its assumptions about them. A little empathy will go a long way. 

Letter 2: Diary Entry no 7802 (approximately)

Me time. Nice and proper. I got it today. Because I am lucky. I could go to Rajani early, and S was asleep by 730pm, after some extra screaming because she was tired. Today was a breeze. There will be other days that will be gales, hurricanes, tsunamis, or earthquakes. And I am going to quake on those days. The house will be a mess on those days, and so will I. I want to tell the Future Me that it’s ok to come unstuck and plop on the floor once in a while. If I want to work; if I want to do more than what I am doing now, it is always going to be a stretch. And I can only get through it if I go easy on myself, and on others around me. Life will happen like it did through May and June, and it is going to continue to happen. Initially I thought that getting back to work will be easier when S is older, but now I feel that there is no guarantee for the future. Or, in a very Interstellar-esque way, what I do today will define my tomorrow. If S is happy and healthy, and A and I are able to make something more out of living in the same house, then there is already a lot to be thankful for. 

Letter 1: What the H.

Dear Nivi of 2018,

I know that you’re wondering what you got yourself into, for the nth time in life. You are thinking - all this sublime enthusiasm for the new and unexplored is sweet, but one head duck into deep waters and it feels terrifying! 

Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t tell yourself that you never learn. You are a very fast learner. But with this, there is just no other way but to learn as you do. 

Before S was born, you told yourself you were doing this in case you wanted a child later but couldn’t have one naturally. Now, one look at her sleeping, crying, laughing, curious, screaming face and you wonder why there ever was an ‘in case’. A seconded your opinion at that time. He still does. 

For you, the 30s have been the decade of inflection in terms of experiences. There were so many critical but excellent decisions that you took. I am reaping the benefits of all your hard work until today. 

So don’t doubt yourself. On the bleak days, tell yourself one word - phase. Phase. Come and go. Go and come. 

You know the rest. I have faith in you. 

Lots of love and a giant hug,

Nivi of 2028

My Stroke(s)

I was watching "One Day", the sweet rom-com on TV today, fast forwarding through 1 hour within a span of 15 minutes. When Anne Hathaway asks the newest waiter at the Mexican restaurant she worked at, "What's your stroke? Waiter/Writer, Waiter/Actor?" I realised that I have had more than my share of them, lately. 

Perennially exhausted new mom

/ lamentably absent wife 

/ demanding daughter 

/ surly daughter-in-law 

/ semi productive freelancer 

/ paranoid house cleaner 

/ ex-dreamer of dreams

I have landed smack dab in the exact place I did NOT want to be - biting off more than I can chew. Struggling to join the loose ends and just creating more in the process. 

Family obligations mean that I cannot work as much as I would like. Neither can I finish the unpacking that has been pending since we moved (almost a month now), or run any other errands. I am stuck composing eloquent sentences in my head, reading Seneca on my phone and wishing I could type as fast with my thumb as with all my fingers on a laptop keyboard. Oh, did I forget? All while crooning "ahhh" the little one to sleep. Then I put her down and my eyelids droop. 15 minutes, I tell myself. 

Then she is crying herself awake and I am rushing over with help and comfort. 

A and I make plans to go for a movie but my parents have to go out of town and I am babysitting. A wants his mom home, and I think: can I really take more? 

Really, how much more can I take? How much longer? How much farther? Should I be grateful that she is not crawling yet? That she is not speaking yet? Or walking? That I got what I wanted? That it has to come like this, at this cost, because I cannot not do it perfectly?

When I have eaten last? A cup of lukewarm milk at 11am. It's 4pm now and I have lost my appetite. The little one reads my moods like a book. So she cries and I make funny faces at her, which works. She wants to picked up and I take us both out for a walk. 

Nietzsche gives me company every now and then, telling me that what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. I suppose I will have the hollowed out eyes, stained clothes and sticky hair to show for it soon enough. Dwindling bank balance - I already have - so that's one item accomplished. 

It's a deep, dark tunnel, this one. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. That's how it's done.  

A 'Motherhood' Statement

This phrase rang in my head last week, while I struggled with my wayward thoughts and a newborn that had been crying for five continuous hours and was still going strong.

'A motherhood statement' is one that has universal acceptance. It also has mildly negative connotations, in that it is a statement that adds little or no value to a debate where taking a side is considered a sign of progress.

I have now promised myself never to use this phrase again. Simply because there is absolutely nothing universal about motherhood, other than the fact that it has existed since the advent of humankind. The appropriate word for this would be 'continuous' or 'vital' even. But universal? Definitely not.

As my baby turns four weeks old, she learned to cry for food, to move her limbs voluntarily and showed the first glimpses of a 'social smile'. I, on the other hand, learned that there are solutions that the world and its sister preaches, and then there are solutions that work for me and my baby. My solution, like the ones that others offered me, would serve as a guideline at best, and yet another experiment for some other new mother to try, at worst.

I am just a month into being a mom, and I already realise that it is an incredibly difficult job. Yet many women, across centuries have done it and continue to do so in a world that judges them more harshly for being a mother than anything else.

At the risk of sounding harsh and judgemental myself, I would say that the same pseudo-masochism that pervades our male dominated society today has seeped into the child rearing as well. Why mothers are weary of talking about how tough it is to first give birth, and then to (single handedly) manage a child is beyond me. Maybe it's because if we judge each other on a level of 'x', we judge mothers on a scale of 10x. So there's virtually nothing a mother can do to please everyone. Or maybe because women are already considered the weaker sex, so complaining about how tough it is to do the one thing that we have been doing for centuries doesn't help our case. 

My counter point: It does. Not talking about how much work child rearing is makes it insignificant, which it is most certainly not. I used to pride myself on taking on life's lemons, without a whine. This worked perfectly till I got married. Then the seemingly effortless way in which I managed my life led people around me to believe that I was just coasting along. When in reality, I had been employing considerable mental strength and meticulous planning to get through each day, albeit quietly. 

Learnings to take with me into 2018: 

1. Talk about my day to the ones who matter, because they need to see how much work goes into being a mother, running a house AND (thinking about) working

2. Don't compromise on my priorities, no matter the external pressure. If they are wrongly placed, at least I will only have myself to blame

3. Tell myself that everything is possible with time, oodles of patience and constant support

Peaking

Throughout my life I have had periods of absolute silence. Growing up, I didn’t make too many friends, so I learned to amuse myself with books (I was just beginning then), the Nintendo (for a short and dangerously addictive period) and movies (a love for which I carry till now). A’s chaotic, gregarious family made me realise that my family had always been into long silences where each member would disappear into his/her haven within the house for hours till the Mother or a rumbling stomach propelled them outwards. 

In the past year I have grown to first notice, then resent, and now cherish these periods of complete, utter quiet. Being on my own meant dramatically less social interaction, so I was back to amusing myself, much like when I was ten or twelve years old. I resented the silence because it reminded me in what felt like loudspeaker volume, of my crazy decision to throw away my career to “determine what work I do with my time”. Over and over again. It has taken me a better part of the year to accept this dramatic change. Being independent meant that work could be irregular, so there were bound to be quiet times. I would have to learn to tide through these times if I wanted to be ready for the high tide, when work would come flowing in and the number of hours in my days wouldn't be enough for the work that needed to be done. 

It seems now that along with a career decision, I had subconsciously put a number of other significant life changes into action. Not knowing when or from where the next project was going to come from effectively halted the long term planning I used to spend hours doing earlier. Not to mention the stress of these intricately made plans not working out, well, just because. I had bigger problems to worry about now, like where my next billing was going to come from, and how I was going to convince that new client to give me the project. 

In the silence of my own thoughts, I became more aware of my weaknesses, but at the same time more appreciative of my strengths. It would be my strengths that I would have to play to, in order to make my freelancing career work. I learned to celebrate milestones, big or otherwise. I realised how impossible the task I had set myself was - to be superlative and nothing short of perfect in everything I do. Now that I actually had a choice on how to spend my time during the week (no office to run to or boss to put up with), I gravitated towards doing a few things well - 
- I am a cook by necessity, but I learned to enjoy it by choosing to do it when I wanted to, and making the dishes that I enjoyed eating
- I prefer depth in relationships to width. I eschewed the conventional ‘networking’ that everyone insisted I needed to do in order to survive on my own, and contented myself with keeping in touch with the few people who mattered to me, and enjoyed having the flexibility to meet them during the week at their convenience. Those long, leisurely chats propelled my thinking and I came away with more ideas, because I now let them in
- I accepted that I would be bad or less than perfect at some things. I could swim the shallow depths of mediocrity across multiple oceans, or deeply discover one. I choose the latter and that was it. 

More than one erstwhile colleague remarked that I looked so much happier now than earlier. I would call this change acceptance. Across multiple levels. 

I still do not want to admit to myself, that I did not have the courage to listen to what my heart has been telling me for a while now. Today I came across this interview and multiple incidents clicked in place in my head. 

During a training session I conducted recently, a participant celebrating her 30th birthday described her feelings as “depressed” and “old”. Someone else piped up, saying that for him, the 30s were far more fun than the 20s. To have known in the 20s, the clarity with which he could think in the next decade! I silently concurred. The blurred mess that was the 20s was important. It was the dirty, sandy water at the top before the clear blue of the ocean deeper down. It was a necessary rite of passage, of a kind. 

I remember feeling in school, irrelevant in the larger scheme of things just because I had missed the top mark in the class by one or two points. It had meant the world to me then, like a symbol of achieving something. Of course my fourteen year old self did not know any better because she didn’t know anything else. The fact, however is that the very same test became irrelevant as soon as I found some other missed goal to obsess about. I realise now that - for the most popular girl in school, who also topped all tests and was a star athlete to boot, the answer to the question “what next?” was way more difficult to answer. Mine was a relative cakewalk - get to the top of the class. 

There is nothing wrong with early success. It’s great validation and has many advantages. Sometimes, though, it can obscure the real story; the real calling. Jhumpa Lahiri echoes this when she talks about her decision to move to Rome and write in Italian:

“The answer, I believe, is that I’m seeking the freedom to write in my own way, to write whatever I want in whichever language, form, length, and without any pressure.”

She should know. She won the Pulitzer at 32 for her first book, The Interpreter of Maladies, and has written three other books (The Namesake, Unaccustomed Earth, The Lowland) thereafter on similar themes, in a similar language. The same thing that propelled her to fame restricted her growth as a writer. In other words, there is such a thing as peaking too early. 

In sharp contrast is the feeling of collectedness I got from Vivek Shanbaug when he spoke about his Ghachar Ghochar entering mainstream publishing with its translation into English and further release in the US. Of course, this is no comparison to the Pulitzer, but a new, exciting and potentially significant step for a Kannada writer of more than three decades. I will never forget the deadpan expression with which he told us that Ghachar Ghochar as a story had been in his head for ten years before he put it into paper! To have waited so long, first for it to materialise and then for it to be translated into English. 


While there is extensive documentation on how and why one can recover from failures, we underestimate or even ignore that some recovery, and a lot of of effort is required to turn around from one successful peak and make another one happen. Absurd and ungrateful as it may sound, there is such a thing as a problem with success. What can help here, though, is a little perspective. That’s what the doldrums, the turbulent times, the slow times, the bad times, the silences are for. They are scary, but necessary. They are there to remind us of all that we have not done, lost, chosen to let go, all to get to the next summit. That’s the path, I believe, to multiple peaks in one life.

The Unconcern of Adam

I am presently engaged in a jigsaw puzzle of the famous painting by Michelangelo in the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, known as the "Creation of Adam". This painting is one of many that adorn this historical monument so it is hard for a first time visitor plus average tourist to absorb anything more than the sheer scale of the endeavour that is the ceiling. I got lucky - the free Android app that I had downloaded when I had visited Italy in June 2014 had skipped tourist places to visit in Rome, but had a beautifully detailed audio account of this very magnum opus. So I had spent 45 quiet minutes inside the Chapel with my neck craned upwards and my mind in awe. Wanting to take back a souvenir, I splurged on a 540-piece jigsaw puzzle for 11 Euros. 

My first attempt to put it together after I got back was abandoned almost as soon as it had begun, what with life's sundry pressures taking its toll. Two weeks ago I pulled the box out, craving an outlet for my wayward thoughts. So it was that three-odd years on, the exquisite form of this painting took a slow but steady shape on one corner of the bed. Four days later I was surprised to find myself more involved in this project than ever, contrary to my usual waning of interest in any new project that I undertake. Yesterday I googled the painting. Among other things, two points surprised me: that Michelangelo was a deeply religious man, and that one of the messages encased in the “Creation of Adam” was God’s ultimate power in the creation of man. Maybe it is my interpretation of the painting, but all I could see in the scattered pieces was not awe, but a nonchalance underlined by a satirical smile - driven solely by man’s incredible sense of self importance. 

Let me explain why. 

The key part of this work is Adam, the first man created by God, getting life through a touch of His finger. 

One of the interpretations I read described Adam as lifeless; being incapable of energy and therefore lying in a heap on Earth, weak. While God was surrounded by a halo and a bevy of angels, floating in the air. He is depicted in energetic (and of course, beatific) movement, stretching his fair, muscled and hairless arm towards Adam all the way from Heaven, as if to offer help.  

I did not see helplessness in Adam's glorious, naked form. In his lazy, lounge-like posture, I saw entitlement instead. And in the way he stretched his finger out at God, an irreverent carelessness. Almost like as if he was saying, “You owe me this, already. After all, isn’t this why You made me?” 

It is true that we do not ask to be given life. We are born because of someone else. But once we are, it is our responsibility to ourselves to make this life count. Ever since I convinced myself that I had a choice on how to live my life and went about doing precisely that, I have noticed with greater and greater frequency, how many others share Adam’s sense of entitlement. It could be adult children expecting their parents to support them financially even after they are capable to being on their own, or employees expecting a certain treatment by their organisations. But most of all, I see this helplessness manifested the strongest in times of crises. Beyond the “Why me?” is a feeling of hopelessness that they are “destined” to suffer, followed by an envy of others who are not sharing a similar fate at the same time. Why they do not ask “Why me?” when something good happens is apparently a moot point. 

Beyond the fleeting moment when we enter this world, we are on our own. To expect anything more from fate, destiny, our families or friends is misguided. After all, if God wanted to control everyone’s life, why create a living, breathing, thinking human form? Might as well have created amoebae that are scarcely aware of themselves, let alone the purpose of their lives. 

Seneca echoes this thought far more eloquently, when he asks: 

But how can a man learn, in the struggle against his vices, an amount that is enough, if the time which he gives to learning is only the amount left over from his vices?

None of us goes deep below the surface. We skim the top only, and we regard the smattering of time spent in the search for wisdom as enough and to spare for a busy man.

I think where and how we start out is no indication of where we end up. It does not mean that we disregard our origins; it means that irrespective of how we came into this world and began living, we should aim to become wiser and happier. In a life with limited time, energy and resources, we, and we alone must make the decision on where, and how to spend them.