Forgiveness

We all do some things right, and some things wrong. Sometimes they happen so fast that it is all over before we know it, and sometimes it stretches like much chewed gum, on and on, getting thinner and more fragile by the second. But the one thing that binds both right things and wrong things is - they pass. They begin, they end and life moves on. 

Why are we so ready to forget the right things, and so slow to forget the wrong? Do we ever wonder why we spend so much time going over and over the argument from the previous day, or the hurtful messages, or someone’s expressions, when there were probably many more smaller but positive things that happened at the same time? 

I have held anger and hate inside me for a long time. Even when the fire soothed itself into glowing embers, I fanned it with thoughts of the past - sad, unfair thoughts of the past - and got it burning again. Only to go to bed completely exhausted at the end of it all. 

Retribution. I dreamed of it. To all the people who had let me down; treated me unfairly. Sometimes I pulled strangers who were, in my estimation, irresponsible or wrong into the same huddle. One day I would get back, I vowed to myself. Show them how wrong they were. 

It never came. The opportunity, the time to do it or even practically speaking, the resources like money. Instead, days and years passed, and I felt like I had not moved when the rest of the world raced ahead. 

In flashes of sudden enlightenment, I realised how some people were just fundamentally happy. Sure, they had problems; they had ups and downs just like the rest of us. But that did not stop them from smiling everyday, or just enjoying the moment. 

I was fundamentally unhappy. The only wall that stood between me and happiness was, well, me. The fires that burned inside took everything. They were fair that way. There was nothing left when it was all done. 

At the end of it all, when we go to sleep at night, or when we come home after a long day, we have ourselves for company. I asked myself - would I go away somewhere with myself? I did not even like myself at that point. When we are not comfortable with who we are, taking refuge in the company of others is the easy thing to do. Living with ourselves, our thoughts, our idiosyncrasies is difficult. 

Now I think about it more often - spending time with myself, going away, just enjoying my company. There will be some good, some bad, but I know that it’s what I make of it. I can live inside my head. And I know that so long as I am around, everything will be okay. 

To all the people who have wronged me - I forgive you. But you know the most important thing? I forgive myself.